“The best part about living in Finland is that they don’t get Newsweek magazine”

You’ve all seen the viral video of the Rastafarian who shows off a house in Westend, Finland’s poshest neighborhood? Well the real estate agent, Lea Jakama, got a few of the translations wrong, so I fixed them…

Yo, I think a party’s about to break out… (is marijuana legal in Finland now, and I didn’t know??)

Photo from my local KK-Market

What would happen if me and two other comedian friends performed stand-up comedy on a tram in Helsinki, Finland? …in the middle of the day?? …in English???

Part of Helsinki’s Culture Tram (sponsored by Korjaamo), myself, comedian Louis Zezeran, and comedienne Zoë Chandler perform an hour of stand-up on the 7A tram line during afternoon rush hour last Tuesday.

We document what happens (booing) and what doesn’t happen (laughter)…

Stephen Colbert breaks down the world’s greatest country…Finland!

I think it’s that couple at the beginning of the video, she’s never seen black people before…

Here’s the same girl sneezing…

I think this sign at the local KKK-Supermarket in Äkäslompolo was directed to us stupid foreign tourists…

Visit an Eskimo Village

How did Finns live over 200 years ago? Why not see for yourself! Finland’s indigenous eskimos (known as “Sami” in Finnish) are scattered throughout villages in the northern part of the country. Some villages still don’t have accessible roads leading to them, an eskimo guide can be hired to take you there for a reasonable fee.

Swim with the Penguins, Play with the Polar Bears

Finland is home to the world’s largest polar bear habitat, and second largest penguin habitat. While penguins are only found on Finland’s Arctic Coast. polar bears can be found all over Finland, even in Southern Finland during the winter during migration season. Don’t forget your binoculars!

World’s Largest Snowball

Finland is responsible to several records in the Guiness Book of World Records. Arguably its proudest record is the annual World’s Largest Snowball in Jakobstad. Each September the entire village’s male population spend five days creating this monstrosity and each year they attempt to break the previous year’s record. Be sure to visit by June before it melts!

24 Hours of Complete Darkness

For six months (from October to March), Finland is in a state complete darkness. While most humans would see this as a time of depression and despair, the Finns see it as a celebration! Snow, family time, sleeping in, reading, naps, television, going to bed early and alcohol…like the Finnish polar bears, Finns hibernate to prepare for summer!

Zamboni Races

Finns are known throughout the world for their zany annual competitions: Air Guitar, Wife-Carrying, Mobile Phone Throwing, Alcoholism, and of course…Zamboni Races. The zamboni, a Finnish invention, created by Yrjö “Jöäkjöäk” Zamboni in 1904, was originally designed as a means of public transportation for the elderly of the northern Finnish village, Tampere.

Ski the Tallest Mountain in Europe!

Finland is partially home to Europe’s tallest mountain in Europe, Mt. Tarjasbäk (it’s Finnish name). The mountain sits on the borders of three nations: Sweden, Russia, and of course Finland. While the peak lies on the Russian side, the best skiing is found on the Finnish side. Take the gondola up, or travel like a Finn and have a herd of reindeer tow you to the peak!

Pieksämäki, Winter Wonderland

The Lappish village of Pieksämäki in Central Finland has become known as “Europe’s Winter Wonderland”. Tourists from the ends of the earth make the bi-yearly pilgrimage for it’s brilliant lights, classy night clubs, and leather glove sales. It’s the happiest place on earth! Word of advice though: Be careful during “wolf season”.

Reindeer Hunting

Reindeer are abundant in Finland, in fact, too abundant. They’re known to rummage through your trash cans, defecate outside grocery stores, attempt to race cars down the highway, and trample infant babies to death. Each autumn the military, along with any volunteer over the age of five who can pull a trigger, are loaded onto helicopters and sent out to hunt reindeer. Join them for an enthralling bloodbath!

Experience -70C

At -69C, male urine will freeze before it hits the ground from one meter off the ground. Fortunately over the centuries, native Finns have developed thicker blood, so it only feels like -44C at most. This is why Finland doesn’t allow immigrants into the country, no because they’re racist, dark skinned people will simply freeze to death.

Curling!

There’s an old Finnish saying: “Finns learn to curl before they learn ride a reindeer” and they couldn’t be further from the truth. As soon as a Finnish child learns walk, they have a curling wand (or curling broom for girls) in hand. Finnish women are known to keep the tidiest huts in the world thanks to their intense sweeping skills as a child.