Every male Finnish citizen must join the army or face the consequences. It’s 2010, yet the country still fears Russia could invade at any moment (after their embarrassment during the winter war, the Ruskies willl be sure to attack during the summer) …yet the Russians haven’t scared the Finns enough to join NATO – so at about age 18, fresh out of high school, Finnish boys leave home for the first time and spend six months running around in the woods.

The women folk say, “They leave as boys, and come back as men!”, but it’s more like, “They leave as boys, and come back as alcoholic boys.”

Why don’t Finnish women have to join the army?

Finnish law states that Finnish women are paid 20% less than their male counterpart for doing the exact same job. (Also, “periods” and “childbirth” are cited as being tougher than joining the army)

This sounds like a shit deal – how do I weasel my way out?

Most Finnish boys join the army fresh out of high school, right before their first year in college (or working at Hesburger), so they don’t piss away six months of their life later on, when life really matters. Finns have up until their 30th birthday to join or else they’re sent to prison. But if you have trouble holding on to slippery soap in the shower, here’s some army alternatives…

Civil Service – Would you rather fingerbang your girlfriend than sleep in tents with boys? Well then join the civil service…and everyone will say you’re “gay”! Or you’re “a communist”. Instead of six months in the forest, you’ll spend one year performing some meaningless task for the state. You get to enjoy yourself like any young adult should, but the entire Finnish society will ridicule you until you die: Your father will be ashamed of you, your friends will make fun of you, your neighbors will talk behind your back, and your future perspective employers will turn you down from jobs.

Become a Jehovah’s Witness – All other religions must do their civic duty, but somehow the Jehovah’s Witnesses are immune because violence is against their religion. Do you also believe in non-violence but don’t believe in some sort of magical sky daddy who won’t wake you from the dead until the Earth is free of sin? Tough sky-shit! But the JW’s have a civic duty of their own: knocking on stranger’s doors and handing out copies of The Watchtower. I don’t know about you, but I’d take six months in the forest or a lifetime of being gay over that!

Don’t be Finnish – If you’re a foreigner in Finland, and you’re thinking of applying for Finnish citizenship cause you met some cute blonde chic, and now you’d like to impress your friends back home with dual-citizenship…wait until your 30th birthday – then you don’t need to join the army. It’ll take you until you’re 30 years-old anyways to learn Finnish to pass the citizenship exam, so don’t worry. (or in my case, until I’m 90)

Flee the country – Definitely the longest alternative – some have chosen to flee the country for several years hoping that their prison sentence will have expired upon their return. …just like Bill Clinton.

Don’t Pass Go, Go Directly to Jail – Finnish prisons aren’t so bad. In fact they’re some of the finest in the world. There’s more freedoms than North Korea, cooler weather than Afghanistan, and better food than Great Britian. Zing!

Tell’em you’re gay! – Wrong country, that only works in the United States.

I think this sign at the local KKK-Supermarket in Äkäslompolo was directed to us stupid foreign tourists…

Another random shooting in little Finland?! And another mass killing at a Helsinki area shopping mall?! Finland is known around the world for snow, Nokia, and now shooting sprees.

Do you still feel safe in Finland?? Of course you do, everyone is white, it must be safe. Ignorance is bliss.

But nevermind today’s attack, the shooter has a foreign name, so it’s not really a Finnish thing, it’s us foreigners.

UPDATE: It appears the shooter is the sixth dead, he appeared to have offed himself. Glad he did justice to his crimes, cause the Finnish courts would never have gave him justice, he’d be pardoned by the President aftter a few years, as is the custom.

UPDATE 2: Here’s an old interview with him…

A sad day. I feel terrible for all those involved. From Helsingin Sanomat…

Six people have been reported dead on Thursday morning in a shooting incident that took place at the Sello shopping mall in the Leppävaara district of Espoo.
Apparently a man in his early forties, whose identity is known to police, began shooting in the Prisma supermarket with a 9mm handgun at around 10 a.m. Police named the suspect as Ibrahim Shkupolli.

First reports indicated that three men and one woman were killed. A fifth victim was later found at a private apartment in Leppävaara, and is believed to be the gunman’s 42-year-old ex-girlfriend.
She was employed at the Prisma supermarket in Sello, and is thought to have been the primary target.
A restraining order had earlier been imposed on Shkupolli with regard to this woman.

The search continued for the gunman, and his body was eventually found a couple of hours later at an apartment in the Suvela district of Espoo. Indications are that he shot himself.
All of the victims at Sello were apparently members of the sales staff. One man was shot twice in the head. A woman was shot in the stomach and two other men were shot on a different floor of the mall complex, one of the largest in the Greater Helsinki area.
The male victims in the mall were born in 1969, 1975, and 1982. The woman was born in 1964.
No further details were given of other casualties.

The mall was emptied and police continued the search for the gunman in the shopping centre and the surrounding area, before extending the net to known addresses, where the man’s body was eventually discovered.
Prisma store staff and witnesses were taken to the public library on the premises.
The police held a press conference on the matter at 14:30, after a photograph of the suspect had been released to the media before the man was found dead.
Police had warned Shkupolli was armed and dangerous. He had previous convictions for firearms offences in 2004 and 2007.
Numerous police vehicles and ambulances attended the scene, and for some hours commuter trains were not stopping at Leppävaara station.

Police were not particularly forthcoming with details of the killings, or of whether others were hit by gunfire, but the impression given was that the primary target was the 42-year-old woman, and it is known that those killed in the shopping mall were her colleagues.
Whilst no specific reason has been given for why they were singled out by the gunman, the indications are that this horrible tragedy was not a “shooting-spree” killing of the kind that has made Finland internationally known in the past two years, following school massacres in Jokela and Kauhajoki by disaffected teenage pupils.
Nonetheless, it will inevitably reopen old wounds and will prompt further discussion on the large number of handguns owned in this country and on the tightening of restrictions on access to firearms.