From last night’s season 3 premiere of Tosh.0 – Is this guy retarded? Or just speaking Finnish?
Jimmy Fallon sucks. And so does Jay Leno. There is only one late night talk show host: David Letterman. Oh, and Conan.
After Conan O’Briend’s departure from The Tonight Show and move to TBS, no Finnish broadcaster has yet to pickup Conan’s new show. And the Conan fans in Finland (the ones who don’t know how to use BitTorrent) are mad, real mad. So mad they’re organizing a rally tomorrow (Friday) in downtown Helsinki.
And Conan has a personal message to everyone attending…
You’ve all seen the viral video of the Rastafarian who shows off a house in Westend, Finland’s poshest neighborhood? Well the real estate agent, Lea Jakama, got a few of the translations wrong, so I fixed them…
So just 24 hours after Kimmo was fired from YLE after many long years of service, he takes the stage at the English Comedy Club at Manala in Helsinki to tell his side of the story, answer some questions from the audience, and do a little stand-up comedy!!
And of course I recorded it and put it on YouTube…
What would happen if me and two other comedian friends performed stand-up comedy on a tram in Helsinki, Finland? …in the middle of the day?? …in English???
Part of Helsinki’s Culture Tram (sponsored by Korjaamo), myself, comedian Louis Zezeran, and comedienne Zoë Chandler perform an hour of stand-up on the 7A tram line during afternoon rush hour last Tuesday.
We document what happens (booing) and what doesn’t happen (laughter)…
Roughly 5% of Finns are native Swedish speakers known as the “Swedish Finns” or [confusingly] “Finnish Swedes” or [more accurately] “Swedish-speaking Finns” or [Swedishly] “finlandssvenskar” or [Finnishly] “pappa betalar”.
You’ll find most of them located on the southern and western coasts of Finland. They came over centuries ago from Sweden as part of the country’s crusade to spread Christianity and more importantly, expand Sweden’s borders. While most are bilingual, speaking both Swedish and Finnish, you will find a few hillbillies up north who only learned Swedish, essentially quarantining themselves off to a very small part of the country.
They have their own political party which unsurprisingly gets roughly 5% of the vote during elections. They even created their own flag. (identical to the Finnish flag, but with bright red background and Ikea-yellow cross). They have their own semi-autonomous islands, the Åland Islands, located southwest of Finland, but actually much closer to Sweden. Rumor says when all good Swedish-Finns die they go to Åland, or “Finlandssvenskar heaven” – it’s kinda like South Florida for American Jews.
Swedish-speakers are far superior to the Finnish-speakers in every way imaginable – They’re wealthier, they’re more educated, they’re more cultured, they’re more sophisticated, they’re more international, they’re have better social skills, better clothes, better looks, a wayyyyy better language (and easier), they don’t get drunk, they all drive Mercades, they all have boats, they all have summer cottages in the archipelago for their boats, their language is pleasing to the ear, they throw crayfish parties in the summer where they systematically throw expensive crayfish into the trash and giggle while drinking schnapps, their language doesn’t sound robotic drone from the 1950′s. I could go on and on, but you get the picture: Swedish-Finns are better. (once more: Jews)
Unfortunately my partner is a Finnish-speaker, so I won’t ever inherit a boat or a cottage in the archipelago for that boat – so here’s some nasty stereotypes Finns say about the Swedish-Finns: they’re snobs, they think they’re better than everyone, they’re gay, they’re Swedish, they don’t allow Finnish-speakers into their cliques, they don’t give jobs to Finnish-speakers, they control all the power in Finland, they force people to learn Swedish, they have an easier time getting into schools cause the requirements aren’t as hard, they’re loud, at pubs they feel the need to sing stupid songs in unison, they bribed Google Maps to display only Swedish city and road names, handball is lame. I could go and on, but you get the picture: Finnish-speakers are jealous.
I kid, I kid. But it’s all true: There’s probably know bigger taboo in Finland than the relationship between the Finnish speakers and Swedish speakers. You’ll never hear the feeling of animosity discussed publicly. When the two groups are together they’ll never say anything mean, but get them each alone and they’ll…make subtle, caddy comments. But in reality, they’re all just one big unhappy family.
This car is clearly owned by a Finnish-speaker, as it’s an Opel and not a Mercedes.
Photo from Pavel Trebukov
Every male Finnish citizen must join the army or face the consequences. It’s 2010, yet the country still fears Russia could invade at any moment (after their embarrassment during the winter war, the Ruskies willl be sure to attack during the summer) …yet the Russians haven’t scared the Finns enough to join NATO – so at about age 18, fresh out of high school, Finnish boys leave home for the first time and spend six months running around in the woods.
The women folk say, “They leave as boys, and come back as men!”, but it’s more like, “They leave as boys, and come back as alcoholic boys.”
Why don’t Finnish women have to join the army?
Finnish law states that Finnish women are paid 20% less than their male counterpart for doing the exact same job. (Also, “periods” and “childbirth” are cited as being tougher than joining the army)
This sounds like a shit deal – how do I weasel my way out?
Most Finnish boys join the army fresh out of high school, right before their first year in college (or working at Hesburger), so they don’t piss away six months of their life later on, when life really matters. Finns have up until their 30th birthday to join or else they’re sent to prison. But if you have trouble holding on to slippery soap in the shower, here’s some army alternatives…
Civil Service – Would you rather fingerbang your girlfriend than sleep in tents with boys? Well then join the civil service…and everyone will say you’re “gay”! Or you’re “a communist”. Instead of six months in the forest, you’ll spend one year performing some meaningless task for the state. You get to enjoy yourself like any young adult should, but the entire Finnish society will ridicule you until you die: Your father will be ashamed of you, your friends will make fun of you, your neighbors will talk behind your back, and your future perspective employers will turn you down from jobs.
Become a Jehovah’s Witness – All other religions must do their civic duty, but somehow the Jehovah’s Witnesses are immune because violence is against their religion. Do you also believe in non-violence but don’t believe in some sort of magical sky daddy who won’t wake you from the dead until the Earth is free of sin? Tough sky-shit! But the JW’s have a civic duty of their own: knocking on stranger’s doors and handing out copies of The Watchtower. I don’t know about you, but I’d take six months in the forest or a lifetime of being gay over that!
Don’t be Finnish – If you’re a foreigner in Finland, and you’re thinking of applying for Finnish citizenship cause you met some cute blonde chic, and now you’d like to impress your friends back home with dual-citizenship…wait until your 30th birthday – then you don’t need to join the army. It’ll take you until you’re 30 years-old anyways to learn Finnish to pass the citizenship exam, so don’t worry. (or in my case, until I’m 90)
Flee the country – Definitely the longest alternative – some have chosen to flee the country for several years hoping that their prison sentence will have expired upon their return. …just like Bill Clinton.
Don’t Pass Go, Go Directly to Jail – Finnish prisons aren’t so bad. In fact they’re some of the finest in the world. There’s more freedoms than North Korea, cooler weather than Afghanistan, and better food than Great Britian. Zing!
Tell’em you’re gay! – Wrong country, that only works in the United States.
Stephen Colbert breaks down the world’s greatest country…Finland!
|The Colbert Report||Mon – Thurs 11:30pm / 10:30c|
|Newsweek Ranks the World’s Best Countries|
Newsweek magazine just awarded Finland “Best Country in the World”, and the entire nation is buzzing! Well, it’s more a mixture of patting themselves on the back while saying, “What? Really?? Finland??? Are you serious?”
I guess attributes such as weather, culture, diversity, and food weren’t determining factors in their study. So what was..?
For this special survey, then, NEWSWEEK chose five categories of national well-being—education, health, quality of life, economic competitiveness, and political environment—and compiled metrics within these categories across 100 nations.
I love how YLE feels the need to mention Finland’s top rivals – Cause it doesn’t matter how well or poorly Finland does, as long as we’re better than Sweden and the US…
Finishing after Finland were Switzerland and Sweden. The United States was in 11th place. The final three were the African nations Burkina Faso, Nigeria, and Cameroon.
This Newsweek article makes me feel like Jim Carey in The Truman Show – Remember that scene where Truman wants to see the world and visit Fiji? Then the newspaper reports his town was voted best in the world, so no need to ever leave, the only way out is drowning yourself in a boating accident.
So congratulations, Finland! In other news: Newspapers from 94th ranked Ethiopia had this to say about 95th ranked Mozambique: “Suck it!” And tomorrow, Weather.com rates their best countries in the world, and Finland comes in dead last.
I’m off to Google where the hell “Burkina Faso” is.
Photo from Marc Louwes
Yet another shooting in “safe” little Finland. Sad. But I guess it’s no surprise since Finland has the third highest firearm ownership in the world.
I wonder when Finns will start being scared? Well as long as it’s a foreigner a who shot up the drive thru, we’re all still safe…
A shooting incident in the early hours of Tuesday morning outside a McDonald’s restaurant in Porvoo has claimed two lives. One person was seriously wounded.
The injured survivor of the shooting was rushed to hospital in Helsinki and was reported to be in critical condition. The wounded man is a resident of Loviisa born in 1982. The two dead were both from Askola, just north of Porvoo and born in 1982 and 1965.
Police suspect that the shootings followed an argument that arose in the queue for the drive-through. Three of those thought to have been involved in the incident, two men and one woman, were apprehended by police on a highway outside Porvoo. An unregistered automatic handgun, believed to have been used in the shooting, was found in the car. The three were taken into custody for questioning.
The victims and the three now in custody did not know each other.
The shootings took place just after 2 AM on Tuesday morning.
Back in Baltimore you’d never dare to mess with people in a drive thru lane at 2am…cause you might get shot. Maybe we should have the same thinking in Finland?
Photo snagged from Freedom Phoenix
Finally! A country Finland can look down upon. While Norway looks down on Sweden, Sweden looks down on Finland, and Finland finally looks down on Estonia. (and Estonia looks down on, Latvia?) Humble Finland bashfully gazes at its own shoes when addressing countries of the world – but with their southerly neighbors, Finland stares at Estonia’s shoes.
If Finland’s borders supposedly look like a maiden, then Estonia clearly is a turd falling from her gown. When Finns think of Estonia they think: cheap alcohol, prostitution, illegal immigration, shifty workers, poverty, booze cruises, liberal business policies, drugs…oh wait, that’s a list of “My Favorite Things”. Ooops.
With only 80km’s between both capitals, the aquatic train tracks separate wealthier Finland from its younger, poorer brother. But Finland has more in common with Estonia than any other country: They both share a dark history with Russia. They both share the same common fucked up language family – Finnish is closer to Estonian than any other language.
Dating a Estonian girl is a step down in Finland’s class system. It’s not as bad as let’s say, dating an Asian girl, or God forbid, a Russian girl. It falls somewhere between English girls and Polish girls. (haha, ENGLAND!) And what’s it like for an Estonian guy to date a Finnish girl? I couldn’t tell you, it’s never happened.
I call Estonia’s capital, Tallinn, “the Disney World of Finland!” as it’s the Finns’ favorite tourist spot. Finns take a booze cruise to Tallinn to buy cheap liquor, get wasted, visit brothels, and cause amok amongst Tallinn’s beautiful Old Town. Finnish beer is exported to Estonia, just to be imported by the Finns at a cheaper price. And while in their drunken stupor, Finns get robbed, cheated, and beaten up – They retreat home calling Estonia, “dangerous and unsafe!”. Just like Disney World.
While Finns remains stagnant and reminisce of the good ol’ days, Estonia drudges forward. Finland’s days of whipping their little brother may be numbered. But until then, I’m off to Tallinn to get drunk with the boys at the Depeche Mode Bar! See yah later, sobriety!
Finns have the ultimate love-hate relationship with the US: Finns love Hollywood films & TV but hate its dominance over local productions. Finns love American brands but hate American consumerism. Finns love American foods but hate the slothful culture. Finns love the English language but hate its erosion of the Finnish language. Finns love the diverse American offering but aren’t fans of diversity themselves. Whenever you hear that something in Finland is becoming more American…it’s never a positive statement.
Finns often mistake real life America with what they see on their favorite American TV shows and movies. Couple that with the Finnish press’s sensationalism of American culture, it makes for some interesting stereotypes. And American tourists do little to expel these stereotypes. When abroad…
- Americans are loud (“HELLO, WE’RE FROM AMERICA!!”)
- Americans are ignorant (“America is the best, so this must be shit”)
- Americans are arrogant (“Speak English, asshole!”)
- Americans are demanding (“I need to speak to your supervisor!!”)
- Americans ask stupid questions (“Do you celebrate Thanksgiving in your country?”)
- Americans aren’t geography buffs (“Is Finland the capital of Sweden or Norway?”)
- Americans dress poorly (“How does a Hawaiian shirt, University of Michigan cap, shorts, and white tennis shoes go with my fanny pack?”)
Ever wondered what’s it like to be the first white person in an African village? Speak with an American accent in a Finnish town on a Friday night. The locals will flock to you like drunken zombies. But instead of touching your hair…they’ll ask your thoughts on Barack Obama. Or they’ll tell you of their uncle who spent a year in Canada during the 80′s. They’ll remind you that American “football”, makes no sense as a word. And Budweiser is NOT good beer.
In the workplace Americans are not to be trusted. They make promises they can’t keep. They brag about things they don’t have. They act as barnstormers wanting to change everything. They know everything. They don’t understand the word, “humility”. Their pushy tactics have the reverse affect on a Finn.
And when you befriend an American, you’ll surely be confused with questions such as “How are you?” (which translates to “Hi!”) and “I really like that!” (which translates to “I’m just being nice”) and “That’s interesting!” (translation: “I don’t understand that.”) and “Let’s get together sometime!” (translation: “Fuck off and die.”).
While Americans and Finns have their differences, the similarities are vast: Both love sports, both love Finlandia vodka, both love guns, both have problems with crazies shooting up public places, both hate the Russians, both love The Simpsons, and both think Conan O’Brien looks just like Finnish President Tarja Halonen.
(for more on this, check out “Finland is like a Mac, the U.S. is like Windows“)
Finland despises Russia. You’ll be hard pressed to find a Finn who’ll say one nice thing about their eastern bully. Finland was under Russian rule for over 100 years. Finland finally gained independence, then fought off the Soviets two more times losing a substantial part of the country. Finland even teamed up with Hitler to fend off Soviet domination.
Like the crazies in the United States who stockpile their basements full of canned foods and semi-automatic weapons in preparation of the looming race wars, some Finns in 2010 still believe Russia invasion is imminent.
This rocky history has unfortunately perverted the Finns view on the Russian people. Russian women are all whores. Russian men are all lazy alcoholics. Russians are not to be trusted. Dirty Russians ruinlocal spas. Russian women flaunt their wealth and arrogance at Stockmann’s department store. Russians are buying up too much property in Finland.
…all your typical xenophobic stereotypes. And not good for Russians living in Finland, a group who make up Finland’s largest minority.
As I’m writing this, it’s tough to find any comedy in Finland’s relationship with the Russians. War tends to do that, sadly. Two nations of people who normally would live side-by-side in peace and harmony in the frigid north, are pitted against each other thanks to a handful of lunatics. The healing process will take decades if not centuries.
And let’s be honest, the Finns and Russians aren’t THAT much different: Both survive in extreme weather conditions, both have a poor background, both love to get blinded on a Friday night, both think Lada make a crap car, both share much of the same bodily features, both have some fine looking women.
What am I missing? Where’s the humor here? Any Russians out there who want to share what they think of Finland?
Finns are extremely jealous and often bitter towards their westerly neighbors, but with good reason: Swedes have more money. Swedes have more class. Swedes dress better. Swedes are better at ice hockey. Swedish women are better looking. Swedish men have self confidence. Sweden has royalty. Sweden has ABBA. Sweden is better known throughout the world. Sweden has Volvo and Saab. Sweden is part of Scandinavia.
Ask a Swede, “What’s the difference between you Swedes and the Finns?” They’ll reply something like, “Well…Sweden has a long history of class, wealth and royalty, that had transcended on the Swedish people many centuries ago, to conceive a strong society and rich culture, which therefore has created a more advanced and superior country.” Ask a Finn that very same question, they’ll ponder for a few seconds then simply reply, “Swedes are gay.”
Remember the opening scene in Casino Royale where James Bond uses a dead body as a human shield to fend of bullets? The limp corpse continues to get mangled by gunfire while Bond maneuvers his way through the embassy. Well for about 150 years in recent history, James Bond was Sweden, that gunfire was Russia, and that human shield was Finland! Sweden sat carefree at the summer cottage while that buffer zone known as Finland protected them from imperialistic Russia.
So you can understand why some of the wartime Finns might still hold a grudge or ten. Search through any old-timer’s bookshelf and you’re sure to find, “Swedish War Heroes”. Open it to find a book full of blank pages. (FUNNY!)
Like a jealous neighbor, Finland is constantly playing “keeping up with the Swedes”. Sweden goes out and buys a brand new BMW, so naturally, Finland goes out and, slashes its’ tires.
But would you really give up a classless society for royalty? Would you really give up Volvo for Nokia? Wealth for a sense of humor? ABBA for Lordi? Dressing well for being called “gay”? Self confidence for being a douchebag? Well maybe you’d take ABBA over Lordi, but you get the point.
Even after an unsettling past, today’s Finland and Sweden are more like rival football clubs than anything else. It’s competition which keeps then jockeying for the #1 spot in various world indexes. And at the end of the day, they’ll kick back at the sauna, crack open an imported beer (which they both agree tastes better than their local brews), and talk shit about their REAL rival: Russia.
Tomorrow: Russia according to the Finns
The newly appointed United States ambassador to Finland, Bruce J. Oreck (yes, from the Oreck vacuum brand), has a blog which he updates quite often (way more than me lately)!
He even has a Facebook Fan page, Flickr stream, Twitter page, and YouTube page. Cool! With all those pages to update, I assume he spends most of his workday screwing around online – I mean, what else would an ambassador do!?
And how did Bruce become ambassador? By buying it of course..! I wonder how much a few years in the Finland embassy costs? My guess is that he donated more money to Obama than let’s say, the ambassador in [insert African or Middle Eastern country here]…
Bruce J. Oreck, for ambassador to Finland. Oreck, a lawyer who previously served as general counsel and vice president of his family’s famous vacuum company, bundled more than $500,000 to Obama’s presidential campaign. He and his wife, Charlotte, also bundled another $75,000 Obama’s inauguration. [...] Along with his wife and children, he has contributed $261,550 to federal Democratic candidates, parties and committees since 1989. That includes $9,200 to Obama and $1,000 to Hillary Clinton last cycle.