Finns have the ultimate love-hate relationship with the US: Finns love Hollywood films & TV but hate its dominance over local productions. Finns love American brands but hate American consumerism. Finns love American foods but hate the slothful culture. Finns love the English language but hate its erosion of the Finnish language. Finns love the diverse American offering but aren’t fans of diversity themselves. Whenever you hear that something in Finland is becoming more American…it’s never a positive statement.

Finns often mistake real life America with what they see on their favorite American TV shows and movies. Couple that with the Finnish press’s sensationalism of American culture, it makes for some interesting stereotypes. And American tourists do little to expel these stereotypes. When abroad…

- Americans are loud (“HELLO, WE’RE FROM AMERICA!!”)
- Americans are ignorant (“America is the best, so this must be shit”)
- Americans are arrogant (“Speak English, asshole!”)
- Americans are demanding (“I need to speak to your supervisor!!”)
- Americans ask stupid questions (“Do you celebrate Thanksgiving in your country?”)
- Americans aren’t geography buffs (“Is Finland the capital of Sweden or Norway?”)
- Americans dress poorly (“How does a Hawaiian shirt, University of Michigan cap, shorts, and white tennis shoes go with my fanny pack?”)

Ever wondered what’s it like to be the first white person in an African village? Speak with an American accent in a Finnish town on a Friday night. The locals will flock to you like drunken zombies. But instead of touching your hair…they’ll ask your thoughts on Barack Obama. Or they’ll tell you of their uncle who spent a year in Canada during the 80’s. They’ll remind you that American “football”, makes no sense as a word. And Budweiser is NOT good beer.

In the workplace Americans are not to be trusted. They make promises they can’t keep. They brag about things they don’t have. They act as barnstormers wanting to change everything. They know everything. They don’t understand the word, “humility”. Their pushy tactics have the reverse affect on a Finn.

And when you befriend an American, you’ll surely be confused with questions such as “How are you?” (which translates to “Hi!”) and “I really like that!” (which translates to “I’m just being nice”) and “That’s interesting!” (translation: “I don’t understand that.”) and “Let’s get together sometime!” (translation: “Fuck off and die.”).

While Americans and Finns have their differences, the similarities are vast: Both love sports, both love Finlandia vodka, both love guns, both have problems with crazies shooting up public places, both hate the Russians, both love The Simpsons, and both think Conan O’Brien looks just like Finnish President Tarja Halonen.

(for more on this, check out “Finland is like a Mac, the U.S. is like Windows“)

Finland despises Russia. You’ll be hard pressed to find a Finn who’ll say one nice thing about their eastern bully. Finland was under Russian rule for over 100 years. Finland finally gained independence, then fought off the Soviets two more times losing a substantial part of the country. Finland even teamed up with Hitler to fend off Soviet domination.

Like the crazies in the United States who stockpile their basements full of canned foods and semi-automatic weapons in preparation of the looming race wars, some Finns in 2010 still believe Russia invasion is imminent.

This rocky history has unfortunately perverted the Finns view on the Russian people. Russian women are all whores. Russian men are all lazy alcoholics. Russians are not to be trusted. Dirty Russians ruinlocal spas. Russian women flaunt their wealth and arrogance at Stockmann’s department store. Russians are buying up too much property in Finland.

…all your typical xenophobic stereotypes. And not good for Russians living in Finland, a group who make up Finland’s largest minority.

As I’m writing this, it’s tough to find any comedy in Finland’s relationship with the Russians. War tends to do that, sadly. Two nations of people who normally would live side-by-side in peace and harmony in the frigid north, are pitted against each other thanks to a handful of lunatics. The healing process will take decades if not centuries.

And let’s be honest, the Finns and Russians aren’t THAT much different: Both survive in extreme weather conditions, both have a poor background, both love to get blinded on a Friday night, both think Lada make a crap car, both share much of the same bodily features, both have some fine looking women.

What am I missing? Where’s the humor here? Any Russians out there who want to share what they think of Finland?

Finns are extremely jealous and often bitter towards their westerly neighbors, but with good reason: Swedes have more money. Swedes have more class. Swedes dress better. Swedes are better at ice hockey. Swedish women are better looking. Swedish men have self confidence. Sweden has royalty. Sweden has ABBA. Sweden is better known throughout the world. Sweden has Volvo and Saab. Sweden is part of Scandinavia.

Ask a Swede, “What’s the difference between you Swedes and the Finns?” They’ll reply something like, “Well…Sweden has a long history of class, wealth and royalty, that had transcended on the Swedish people many centuries ago, to conceive a strong society and rich culture, which therefore has created a more advanced and superior country.” Ask a Finn that very same question, they’ll ponder for a few seconds then simply reply, “Swedes are gay.”

Remember the opening scene in Casino Royale where James Bond uses a dead body as a human shield to fend of bullets? The limp corpse continues to get mangled by gunfire while Bond maneuvers his way through the embassy. Well for about 150 years in recent history, James Bond was Sweden, that gunfire was Russia, and that human shield was Finland! Sweden sat carefree at the summer cottage while that buffer zone known as Finland protected them from imperialistic Russia.

So you can understand why some of the wartime Finns might still hold a grudge or ten. Search through any old-timer’s bookshelf and you’re sure to find, “Swedish War Heroes”. Open it to find a book full of blank pages. (FUNNY!)

Like a jealous neighbor, Finland is constantly playing “keeping up with the Swedes”. Sweden goes out and buys a brand new BMW, so naturally, Finland goes out and, slashes its’ tires.

But would you really give up a classless society for royalty? Would you really give up Volvo for Nokia? Wealth for a sense of humor? ABBA for Lordi? Dressing well for being called “gay”? Self confidence for being a douchebag? Well maybe you’d take ABBA over Lordi, but you get the point.

Even after an unsettling past, today’s Finland and Sweden are more like rival football clubs than anything else. It’s competition which keeps then jockeying for the #1 spot in various world indexes. And at the end of the day, they’ll kick back at the sauna, crack open an imported beer (which they both agree tastes better than their local brews), and talk shit about their REAL rival: Russia.

Tomorrow: Russia according to the Finns

Visit an Eskimo Village

How did Finns live over 200 years ago? Why not see for yourself! Finland’s indigenous eskimos (known as “Sami” in Finnish) are scattered throughout villages in the northern part of the country. Some villages still don’t have accessible roads leading to them, an eskimo guide can be hired to take you there for a reasonable fee.

Swim with the Penguins, Play with the Polar Bears

Finland is home to the world’s largest polar bear habitat, and second largest penguin habitat. While penguins are only found on Finland’s Arctic Coast. polar bears can be found all over Finland, even in Southern Finland during the winter during migration season. Don’t forget your binoculars!

World’s Largest Snowball

Finland is responsible to several records in the Guiness Book of World Records. Arguably its proudest record is the annual World’s Largest Snowball in Jakobstad. Each September the entire village’s male population spend five days creating this monstrosity and each year they attempt to break the previous year’s record. Be sure to visit by June before it melts!

24 Hours of Complete Darkness

For six months (from October to March), Finland is in a state complete darkness. While most humans would see this as a time of depression and despair, the Finns see it as a celebration! Snow, family time, sleeping in, reading, naps, television, going to bed early and alcohol…like the Finnish polar bears, Finns hibernate to prepare for summer!

Zamboni Races

Finns are known throughout the world for their zany annual competitions: Air Guitar, Wife-Carrying, Mobile Phone Throwing, Alcoholism, and of course…Zamboni Races. The zamboni, a Finnish invention, created by Yrjö “Jöäkjöäk” Zamboni in 1904, was originally designed as a means of public transportation for the elderly of the northern Finnish village, Tampere.

Ski the Tallest Mountain in Europe!

Finland is partially home to Europe’s tallest mountain in Europe, Mt. Tarjasbäk (it’s Finnish name). The mountain sits on the borders of three nations: Sweden, Russia, and of course Finland. While the peak lies on the Russian side, the best skiing is found on the Finnish side. Take the gondola up, or travel like a Finn and have a herd of reindeer tow you to the peak!

Pieksämäki, Winter Wonderland

The Lappish village of Pieksämäki in Central Finland has become known as “Europe’s Winter Wonderland”. Tourists from the ends of the earth make the bi-yearly pilgrimage for it’s brilliant lights, classy night clubs, and leather glove sales. It’s the happiest place on earth! Word of advice though: Be careful during “wolf season”.

Reindeer Hunting

Reindeer are abundant in Finland, in fact, too abundant. They’re known to rummage through your trash cans, defecate outside grocery stores, attempt to race cars down the highway, and trample infant babies to death. Each autumn the military, along with any volunteer over the age of five who can pull a trigger, are loaded onto helicopters and sent out to hunt reindeer. Join them for an enthralling bloodbath!

Experience -70C

At -69C, male urine will freeze before it hits the ground from one meter off the ground. Fortunately over the centuries, native Finns have developed thicker blood, so it only feels like -44C at most. This is why Finland doesn’t allow immigrants into the country, no because they’re racist, dark skinned people will simply freeze to death.

Curling!

There’s an old Finnish saying: “Finns learn to curl before they learn ride a reindeer” and they couldn’t be further from the truth. As soon as a Finnish child learns walk, they have a curling wand (or curling broom for girls) in hand. Finnish women are known to keep the tidiest huts in the world thanks to their intense sweeping skills as a child.

Here’s a sign at an entrance to the Finnish restaurant, “Rosso” (think TGIF Fridays). The *exact* same thing is written in both Finnish and English. Which language would you rather speak??

Recognize any?

I always hear Finns make the same comment about their own Reality TV shows: “I’m so embarrassed to watch the Finns!!” Why is this exactly?!? Here’s a few ideas…

1. Finns don’t share their feelings – So when they need to profess their love to The Bachelor, it sounds so forced and artificial. Finnish is NOT the language of love.

2. 5.3 million people is a small pool – When you have hundreds of millions to choose from, you’ll get a dynamic bunch. But Finland’s small, homogeneous population runs thin quickly – any random idiot will do. I couldn’t imagine reality TV in Iceland.

3. Little original content – Most of the reality shows are just localized from the United States (and as I saw from tonight, Japan as well). How about some original content, made by Finns, for Finns?

4. Cheaper production – A smaller audience means smaller budgets. Nobody named Jussi has a million euros, it makes the whole thing so unbelievable.

5. Finnish “celebrities” are lame – You know what they call a “tango stars” in other countries? “Joe” or “Bill” or “Jennifer”…but in Finland, even the retards fucking them are “celebrities” and worthy of television appearances. Lame.

6. Finnish pride – Finns are the proudest nation on the planet. So when you see Americans make asses of themselves on TV, it’s funny. But to see your fellow brothers and sisters make asses of themselves, it hits too close to home.

…what else am I missing?

My friend Esa hasn’t been to our weekly board game club in weeks. Each week I try to vote him off so he’ll return to our club.

Wow, I’ve never heard such a polarizing Finnish song before. Released over the summer, people either absolutely adore this or loathe this. Check out “Baden Baden” by Chisu… (then let us know if you love it or hate it!)

Can I tickle them?

No.

Anyone with a good sense of humor know that Finns have an great sense of humor. It’s dark, dry, sarcastic, blunt, deadpan, and often immature. Finns’ upbringing is a recipe for superb comedic taste: little religious influence, everyone grew up broke, it’s dark and cold much of the year, people love to drink…all the elements are there.

Humor is very important to the Finns. It’s their defense mechanism for coping with the darkness, cold weather, and their own low self-esteem. A funny person is valued immensely. With all the long, awkward pauses in conversations with Finns, a good joke to lighten the mood is always appreciated.

But I’m Swedish or German, I have no sense of humor.

Nations with long lavish histories tend not to have good senses of humor. (With that logic, Ethiopians should be the funniest people in the world. And they are! Think about how many Ethiopian jokes you’ve heard.) But fear not, Sven – Finns are very polite and will laugh at almost anything out of politeness, especially if you’re a foreigner. Here’s a few topics to mention that’ll surely get Finns laughing…

Sweden – This is an easy one. Any lame joke about Sweden will KILL. Bonus: Add something about the Swedish army in there.
Finnish Cities – These jokes will never be understood by foreigners. But jokes about the nearly-identical town 50 kilometers away are a staple in Finnish comedy.
Well, anything Finland – Anyone with a good sense of humor knows all about self-deprecation, so the Finns love to make fun of themselves.
Russia and Estonia – See Sweden.
Race and sexual orientation – Go for it. Drop a racist joke in front of the CEO or on national television. No one cares. (with exception to all the foreigners in the room)
Poo and pee – Finns don’t consider themselves sophisticated people, so why not laugh at a good poop joke?

Any topics I should avoid?

Religion – Finns are the least religious people in the world, but religion is no laughing matter. Obviously God is Swedish or German.
Politics – Finns take politics very seriously, and with a dozen active political parties, chances are the person you’re talking to won’t agree with your political views. Plus high taxes aren’t funny.
Physical comedy – Finnish humor comes from within.
Swedish Finns – Especially if they’re around.
War and Independence – One of the few things Finns hold sacred.

…which topics am I missing?

Be white.

There’s got to be more to it than that!?

Not really.

Really?

Really. Even people with a sun tan are looked at suspiciously. Finns experience this when returning from a winter holiday to Thailand, and upon their arrival back in Finland, they spend a little extra time at border control than normal. Foreigners have been known to master the Finnish language VERY fast, so customs officers can never be too sure.

Well how do I dress like a Finn?

Depends on the persona you’re going for. There are essentially six kinds of Finns.

The Engineer

Finnish engineers have no idea what clothes to buy, because their wives do all their shopping for them. They wear whichever short-sleeved plaid shirt Ms. Suomalainen bought him from Dressmann. The color of the shirt need not matter, as long as it’s made of a material that does not need ironing. (btw, all shirts need ironing) Brown loafers are required, belts are not. Khaki pants must ride high on the waist. In the summer time it’s brown sandals (with socks) and capri-pants riding high. The most popular haircut is “balding, with a inner-tube of sand-colored hair around the head”. Face should be clean shaven, however most engineers cannot grow facial hair, and if they can, it comes in patchy. Glasses must be at least 10-years old. Jewelry should be wedding ring and meaningless gold chain around the neck.

The Businessman
See “Engineer”, just add wrinkled sport coat (drycleaning is insanely expensive in Finland), black belt (yes, even with brown loafers) and trendy-but-not-so-trendy glasses.

The Middle Aged Mommy
Start with short hair. You’ve been hassling with long hair all your life – you’re just sitting home everyday on maternity leave for the next few years, why bother looking attractive? And if you’re in the male-dominated business world, the short hair will make you blend in easier with your male colleagues. Make sure you buy thick “trendy” eyeglasses that hide what, if any, good looks you have left. Bonus points if the color of your glasses match the color of your dyed hair. Don’t wear heels, that’s a dead giveaway you’re a foreigner. And don’t have eyebrows, again, you must be a foreigner.

The Country Bumpkin
Comfort is key here. The classiest place you’ll visit during the week is Alko, so “dress to depress” as they say. Men, a 20-year old track suit is appropriate (cause who knows when you’ll have the urge to go cross-country skiing). Women, an aging Marimekko shirt, jeans, old white sneakers. If you want to dye your hair, dye it some shade of red, orange, or purple. Men, if there’s a situation where you need to dress up, like for instance, taking a trip to the next town over, wear a tie – just so long as it’s the same one you wore in high school. Jewelry should be the Finnish Lion dangling from a cheap gold-colored chain.

The Teenager
Teenage fashion changes so often, by the time I publish this, it will have changed. Want to know what the current teenage fashion is? Visit Sweden, have a look around, then wait five years…that’s what Finland will look like. All Finnish fashion is taken from Sweden…five years later. At the moment – Guys, wear an American baseball cap with a team you’ve never heard of. Girls, pile on lots and lots of makeup.

The Child
This one is simple: For boys, blue jumpsuit. For girls, red jumpsuit. Finnish children are like penguins, it’s impossible to tell them apart, they all wear the exact same jumpsuits year round. It’s a regular occurrence for Finnish parents to take home the wrong child from daycare – but no worries, this mistake quickly corrects itself months later when the real parent, again, accidently takes home the “wrong” kid from daycare. “Even jumpsuits in the summer time?” you ask. Yes. It doesn’t matter if it’s +20C or -20C, all Finnish children must wear hats and gloves.

How do I walk down the street like a Finn?

Walk briskly with a lack of confidence. Don’t look ANYONE directly in the eye, ever. If someone looks directly at you, be careful, they’re drunk. If a stranger approaches you, pretend to be talking on your mobile phone. Stop and wait at all red crosswalk signs, even if all the common sense in the world says it’s okay to cross. Don’t do anything to stand out from the crowd, like dress a unique way or be any other race than white.

…what else am I missing?

Ismo Leikkola stars in a great new YLE1 show called “Finland for Sale” where each episode they take a piece of Finnish culture to see if foreigners could use it abroad.

On this past week’s show, they performed impersonations of old Finnish comedy heroes…in English. Jump to 17:00 in the clip below to see what happened… (in English) (sorry, no YouTube embeds unfortunately)

http://areena.yle.fi/ohjelma/07533f3d9c9ea15738a4067c935a8b26

The show was taped back in May during a comedy show I was hosting. Myself and some others were interviewed.

Every foreigner has inadvertently tried this experiment during their first day visiting Finland: Stand with a dozen others at a crosswalk. The light is red. Not a car in sight. You wonder, “why the fuck are we all standing here!?” You cross on red. Immediately the entire crowd follows your lead.

Supposedly it’s dangerous. But even more dangerous, is a lack of common sense…

One in eight Finnish pedestrians ignore the signs on light-operated crossings, according to a report published on Friday by Liikenneturva, the country’s central organisation for traffic safety work. Regional differences are large, to say the least. In the capital Helsinki, as many as 42% of pedestrians will cross the road even when no green light is showing.

In Mikkeli, meanwhile, they are conspicuously more careful: there 99% allegedly only cross on green. Similar figures of over 90% were recorded in Kouvola, Vaasa, Joensuu, and Rovaniemi.

Copenhagen city officials have launched a program to combat red light ignorance: Double red lights. It’s proved to be twice as effective as single red lights…

Below is an excerpt about usage of foreign words in the English language, from Arthur Plotnik’s “Spunk & Bite: A writer’s guide to bold, contemporary style”…

What other Finnish words have English-speaking authors adopted? (I would like to take credit for first penning, ‘nowheremäki’. Translation: “That podunk Finnish town you’re from, that most natives haven’t even heard of.”)

Wow, less than half of those convicted of rape ever serve jail time. Amazing…

According to a news report aired by the commercial television network Nelonen on Sunday, courts in Finland have been handing out relatively lenient sentences in cases of sexual assault – even in some which have led to physical injury.

Nelonen examined all sex crime cases handled by Finnish district courts over the past year and found out that prosecutors and courts have considered acts involving injury to the victim, or in which the woman’s home has been violently broken into, and even in which the victim has been kept a prisoner for several days, to meet the definition of “coercive sexual contact”, a category of sexual assault considered less serious than actual rape.

[...]The Nelonen report found that more than half of those convicted of actual rape have to serve real prison time. Less than one in ten of those convicted of the lesser crime have had to serve custodial sentences.

I miss American style diners – A massive menu with every food item imaginable prepared for your 24/7, a relaxed atmosphere, and cheap prices. You’ll find multiple diners even in the smallest of American towns.

Who wouldn’t like a concept like that? And why don’t we have ANY in Finland? (please correct me if I’m wrong)

Well first off, nothing is cheap in Finland, that $8 cheeseburger would quickly become $20 in Finland. This is seems to be the fault of many new concepts introduced in Finland, they’re way overpriced and the concept is quickly deemed a failure.

I’m always in awe while at Don Corleone’s in Kamppi. There’s ALWAYS a line, yet the dozen other restaurants around it are empty. Why? Cause they figured out the secret: Great food at a cheap price. OMG!! It took Italian immigrants to figure that out in Finland.

Second, a 24-hour dinner would be full of drunk, obnoxious locals. No one could dine in peace. There’d be yelling, fights, puking…they’d need a team of security guards to control the restaurant. The only people desperate enough to put up with that shit are foreigners who sell just pizza and kebab.

Finland does already have the portable grills that sell cheap sausages and french fries, so maybe there’s no need. But who wouldn’t rather dine indoors instead of out in -20C snow? And who wouldn’t rather have a beer with their food?

So should I quit my job, open a diner, and rake in the millions? Or would the concept be DOA?