Finns have the ultimate love-hate relationship with the US: Finns love Hollywood films & TV but hate its dominance over local productions. Finns love American brands but hate American consumerism. Finns love American foods but hate the slothful culture. Finns love the English language but hate its erosion of the Finnish language. Finns love the diverse American offering but aren’t fans of diversity themselves. Whenever you hear that something in Finland is becoming more American…it’s never a positive statement.

Finns often mistake real life America with what they see on their favorite American TV shows and movies. Couple that with the Finnish press’s sensationalism of American culture, it makes for some interesting stereotypes. And American tourists do little to expel these stereotypes. When abroad…

- Americans are loud (“HELLO, WE’RE FROM AMERICA!!”)
- Americans are ignorant (“America is the best, so this must be shit”)
- Americans are arrogant (“Speak English, asshole!”)
- Americans are demanding (“I need to speak to your supervisor!!”)
- Americans ask stupid questions (“Do you celebrate Thanksgiving in your country?”)
- Americans aren’t geography buffs (“Is Finland the capital of Sweden or Norway?”)
- Americans dress poorly (“How does a Hawaiian shirt, University of Michigan cap, shorts, and white tennis shoes go with my fanny pack?”)

Ever wondered what’s it like to be the first white person in an African village? Speak with an American accent in a Finnish town on a Friday night. The locals will flock to you like drunken zombies. But instead of touching your hair…they’ll ask your thoughts on Barack Obama. Or they’ll tell you of their uncle who spent a year in Canada during the 80’s. They’ll remind you that American “football”, makes no sense as a word. And Budweiser is NOT good beer.

In the workplace Americans are not to be trusted. They make promises they can’t keep. They brag about things they don’t have. They act as barnstormers wanting to change everything. They know everything. They don’t understand the word, “humility”. Their pushy tactics have the reverse affect on a Finn.

And when you befriend an American, you’ll surely be confused with questions such as “How are you?” (which translates to “Hi!”) and “I really like that!” (which translates to “I’m just being nice”) and “That’s interesting!” (translation: “I don’t understand that.”) and “Let’s get together sometime!” (translation: “Fuck off and die.”).

While Americans and Finns have their differences, the similarities are vast: Both love sports, both love Finlandia vodka, both love guns, both have problems with crazies shooting up public places, both hate the Russians, both love The Simpsons, and both think Conan O’Brien looks just like Finnish President Tarja Halonen.

(for more on this, check out “Finland is like a Mac, the U.S. is like Windows“)

Finland despises Russia. You’ll be hard pressed to find a Finn who’ll say one nice thing about their eastern bully. Finland was under Russian rule for over 100 years. Finland finally gained independence, then fought off the Soviets two more times losing a substantial part of the country. Finland even teamed up with Hitler to fend off Soviet domination.

Like the crazies in the United States who stockpile their basements full of canned foods and semi-automatic weapons in preparation of the looming race wars, some Finns in 2010 still believe Russia invasion is imminent.

This rocky history has unfortunately perverted the Finns view on the Russian people. Russian women are all whores. Russian men are all lazy alcoholics. Russians are not to be trusted. Dirty Russians ruinlocal spas. Russian women flaunt their wealth and arrogance at Stockmann’s department store. Russians are buying up too much property in Finland.

…all your typical xenophobic stereotypes. And not good for Russians living in Finland, a group who make up Finland’s largest minority.

As I’m writing this, it’s tough to find any comedy in Finland’s relationship with the Russians. War tends to do that, sadly. Two nations of people who normally would live side-by-side in peace and harmony in the frigid north, are pitted against each other thanks to a handful of lunatics. The healing process will take decades if not centuries.

And let’s be honest, the Finns and Russians aren’t THAT much different: Both survive in extreme weather conditions, both have a poor background, both love to get blinded on a Friday night, both think Lada make a crap car, both share much of the same bodily features, both have some fine looking women.

What am I missing? Where’s the humor here? Any Russians out there who want to share what they think of Finland?

Finns are extremely jealous and often bitter towards their westerly neighbors, but with good reason: Swedes have more money. Swedes have more class. Swedes dress better. Swedes are better at ice hockey. Swedish women are better looking. Swedish men have self confidence. Sweden has royalty. Sweden has ABBA. Sweden is better known throughout the world. Sweden has Volvo and Saab. Sweden is part of Scandinavia.

Ask a Swede, “What’s the difference between you Swedes and the Finns?” They’ll reply something like, “Well…Sweden has a long history of class, wealth and royalty, that had transcended on the Swedish people many centuries ago, to conceive a strong society and rich culture, which therefore has created a more advanced and superior country.” Ask a Finn that very same question, they’ll ponder for a few seconds then simply reply, “Swedes are gay.”

Remember the opening scene in Casino Royale where James Bond uses a dead body as a human shield to fend of bullets? The limp corpse continues to get mangled by gunfire while Bond maneuvers his way through the embassy. Well for about 150 years in recent history, James Bond was Sweden, that gunfire was Russia, and that human shield was Finland! Sweden sat carefree at the summer cottage while that buffer zone known as Finland protected them from imperialistic Russia.

So you can understand why some of the wartime Finns might still hold a grudge or ten. Search through any old-timer’s bookshelf and you’re sure to find, “Swedish War Heroes”. Open it to find a book full of blank pages. (FUNNY!)

Like a jealous neighbor, Finland is constantly playing “keeping up with the Swedes”. Sweden goes out and buys a brand new BMW, so naturally, Finland goes out and, slashes its’ tires.

But would you really give up a classless society for royalty? Would you really give up Volvo for Nokia? Wealth for a sense of humor? ABBA for Lordi? Dressing well for being called “gay”? Self confidence for being a douchebag? Well maybe you’d take ABBA over Lordi, but you get the point.

Even after an unsettling past, today’s Finland and Sweden are more like rival football clubs than anything else. It’s competition which keeps then jockeying for the #1 spot in various world indexes. And at the end of the day, they’ll kick back at the sauna, crack open an imported beer (which they both agree tastes better than their local brews), and talk shit about their REAL rival: Russia.

Tomorrow: Russia according to the Finns

With over seven political parties in parliament (eight to be exact) and many obscure small parties, choosing a political party can be overwhelming – especially since the differences between each are so minute. Here’s a quick run-down of each party to help you decide…

National Coalition Party (Kokoomus) – The Conservatives promise to lower your taxes! With some of the highest taxes in the world, you’ll quickly come to realize that these people are assholes.

Centre Party (Keskusta) – Do you live on a farm? Do you enjoy small town life? Do you distrust the EU? Then the Centre Party is for you, hillbilly! Life was certainly better when we all milked cows for a living, wasn’t it?

Social Democrats (SDP) -Lenin, Guevara, and Marx were all great thinkers, weren’t they? If you answered “yes” to that question, than the Social Democrats are for you, comrade. Now shorten those work weeks and wonder why you don’t get paid enough. Strike!!

Swedish People’s Party (RKP) – Is Swedish your mother tongue? ‘Nuff said, this party is yours. Amazing how everyone who speaks the same language is expected to share the same political beliefs.

True Finns (Perussuomalaiset) – Foreigners sure are ruining the greatest nation in the world, aren’t they?? If so, then this is your party, but if you read this blog and you can speak English and you’re not a complete idiot…they’re probably ot for you.

Christian Democrats (KD) – Do you have a special relationship with Jesus? And do you live out in the middle of nowhere because the devil resides in large cities as well as your television set? Hallelujah you’ve found your party!

Green Party (Vihreat) – Are you young, idealistic and fanatical about mother Earth? Then come share a joint with these hippies.

Left Alliance (Vasemistoliitto) – But what about all the good things the Soviet Union did! Right?? Left!!

Liberal Party (Liberaalit) – Are you a confused, twisted, and borderline psychopathic male between the ages of 16 and retarded? You’ve found your home.

Visit an Eskimo Village

How did Finns live over 200 years ago? Why not see for yourself! Finland’s indigenous eskimos (known as “Sami” in Finnish) are scattered throughout villages in the northern part of the country. Some villages still don’t have accessible roads leading to them, an eskimo guide can be hired to take you there for a reasonable fee.

Swim with the Penguins, Play with the Polar Bears

Finland is home to the world’s largest polar bear habitat, and second largest penguin habitat. While penguins are only found on Finland’s Arctic Coast. polar bears can be found all over Finland, even in Southern Finland during the winter during migration season. Don’t forget your binoculars!

World’s Largest Snowball

Finland is responsible to several records in the Guiness Book of World Records. Arguably its proudest record is the annual World’s Largest Snowball in Jakobstad. Each September the entire village’s male population spend five days creating this monstrosity and each year they attempt to break the previous year’s record. Be sure to visit by June before it melts!

24 Hours of Complete Darkness

For six months (from October to March), Finland is in a state complete darkness. While most humans would see this as a time of depression and despair, the Finns see it as a celebration! Snow, family time, sleeping in, reading, naps, television, going to bed early and alcohol…like the Finnish polar bears, Finns hibernate to prepare for summer!

Zamboni Races

Finns are known throughout the world for their zany annual competitions: Air Guitar, Wife-Carrying, Mobile Phone Throwing, Alcoholism, and of course…Zamboni Races. The zamboni, a Finnish invention, created by Yrjö “Jöäkjöäk” Zamboni in 1904, was originally designed as a means of public transportation for the elderly of the northern Finnish village, Tampere.

Ski the Tallest Mountain in Europe!

Finland is partially home to Europe’s tallest mountain in Europe, Mt. Tarjasbäk (it’s Finnish name). The mountain sits on the borders of three nations: Sweden, Russia, and of course Finland. While the peak lies on the Russian side, the best skiing is found on the Finnish side. Take the gondola up, or travel like a Finn and have a herd of reindeer tow you to the peak!

Pieksämäki, Winter Wonderland

The Lappish village of Pieksämäki in Central Finland has become known as “Europe’s Winter Wonderland”. Tourists from the ends of the earth make the bi-yearly pilgrimage for it’s brilliant lights, classy night clubs, and leather glove sales. It’s the happiest place on earth! Word of advice though: Be careful during “wolf season”.

Reindeer Hunting

Reindeer are abundant in Finland, in fact, too abundant. They’re known to rummage through your trash cans, defecate outside grocery stores, attempt to race cars down the highway, and trample infant babies to death. Each autumn the military, along with any volunteer over the age of five who can pull a trigger, are loaded onto helicopters and sent out to hunt reindeer. Join them for an enthralling bloodbath!

Experience -70C

At -69C, male urine will freeze before it hits the ground from one meter off the ground. Fortunately over the centuries, native Finns have developed thicker blood, so it only feels like -44C at most. This is why Finland doesn’t allow immigrants into the country, no because they’re racist, dark skinned people will simply freeze to death.

Curling!

There’s an old Finnish saying: “Finns learn to curl before they learn ride a reindeer” and they couldn’t be further from the truth. As soon as a Finnish child learns walk, they have a curling wand (or curling broom for girls) in hand. Finnish women are known to keep the tidiest huts in the world thanks to their intense sweeping skills as a child.

Ugh, this is annoying – The Amazon Kindle wireless capabilities are available in 81 countries, Finland not one of them.

Have a look at the service map below, I am jealous of those in Tanzania, Kazakhstan, Haiti, and inhabitable regions of Russia. Remember the days when Finland used to be a world leader in internet and technology? What happened!?

I always hear Finns make the same comment about their own Reality TV shows: “I’m so embarrassed to watch the Finns!!” Why is this exactly?!? Here’s a few ideas…

1. Finns don’t share their feelings – So when they need to profess their love to The Bachelor, it sounds so forced and artificial. Finnish is NOT the language of love.

2. 5.3 million people is a small pool – When you have hundreds of millions to choose from, you’ll get a dynamic bunch. But Finland’s small, homogeneous population runs thin quickly – any random idiot will do. I couldn’t imagine reality TV in Iceland.

3. Little original content – Most of the reality shows are just localized from the United States (and as I saw from tonight, Japan as well). How about some original content, made by Finns, for Finns?

4. Cheaper production – A smaller audience means smaller budgets. Nobody named Jussi has a million euros, it makes the whole thing so unbelievable.

5. Finnish “celebrities” are lame – You know what they call a “tango stars” in other countries? “Joe” or “Bill” or “Jennifer”…but in Finland, even the retards fucking them are “celebrities” and worthy of television appearances. Lame.

6. Finnish pride – Finns are the proudest nation on the planet. So when you see Americans make asses of themselves on TV, it’s funny. But to see your fellow brothers and sisters make asses of themselves, it hits too close to home.

…what else am I missing?

My friend Esa hasn’t been to our weekly board game club in weeks. Each week I try to vote him off so he’ll return to our club.

This is funny – Finland’s official tourist site, visitfinland.com, is first presented in Finnish (even if you proxy in from another country). Perfect for all those Finnish speakers around the globe who’ve never visited Finland…

During the Spring, CITIBANK’s stock price dropped below a dollar – and it’s no surprise with the terrible card and service they offer. I’ve been battling with this terrible card for months, here’s five reasons why you should never get a CITIBANK credit card…

1. I got two letters in my mailbox – The first one was my new CITIBANK card with a message saying “the PIN code would be sent separately for security purposes”. And the second letter contained the PIN code. Bulletproof security.

2. Don’t use this card outside of Finland, they’ll shut it off the second you do without any sort of phone call or notification – they automatically assume it’s stolen. It’s nice to have the waiter tell you “Sir, you’re card has been rejected” in front of co-workers.

3. I ordered $91 wort of books from Amazon, the transaction was rejected and card was subsequently shut off. I phoned and they told me my purchase was “either from a suspicious merchant (Amazon) or suspiciously high price ($91).” Even the CITIBANK employee over the phone had a chuckle at that.

4. Nokia’s “Ovi Store” is considered a suspicious merchant. The transaction was rejected and card was shut off. My card has been shut off six times in total (in roughly 8 months), not once did they ever phone me, I always had to contact them.

5. Verkkokauppa’s retail shop in Ruoholahti is considered a suspicious merchant. The transaction was rejected and card was shut off. CITIBANK sucks!

Can I tickle them?

No.

Anyone with a good sense of humor know that Finns have an great sense of humor. It’s dark, dry, sarcastic, blunt, deadpan, and often immature. Finns’ upbringing is a recipe for superb comedic taste: little religious influence, everyone grew up broke, it’s dark and cold much of the year, people love to drink…all the elements are there.

Humor is very important to the Finns. It’s their defense mechanism for coping with the darkness, cold weather, and their own low self-esteem. A funny person is valued immensely. With all the long, awkward pauses in conversations with Finns, a good joke to lighten the mood is always appreciated.

But I’m Swedish or German, I have no sense of humor.

Nations with long lavish histories tend not to have good senses of humor. (With that logic, Ethiopians should be the funniest people in the world. And they are! Think about how many Ethiopian jokes you’ve heard.) But fear not, Sven – Finns are very polite and will laugh at almost anything out of politeness, especially if you’re a foreigner. Here’s a few topics to mention that’ll surely get Finns laughing…

Sweden – This is an easy one. Any lame joke about Sweden will KILL. Bonus: Add something about the Swedish army in there.
Finnish Cities – These jokes will never be understood by foreigners. But jokes about the nearly-identical town 50 kilometers away are a staple in Finnish comedy.
Well, anything Finland – Anyone with a good sense of humor knows all about self-deprecation, so the Finns love to make fun of themselves.
Russia and Estonia – See Sweden.
Race and sexual orientation – Go for it. Drop a racist joke in front of the CEO or on national television. No one cares. (with exception to all the foreigners in the room)
Poo and pee – Finns don’t consider themselves sophisticated people, so why not laugh at a good poop joke?

Any topics I should avoid?

Religion – Finns are the least religious people in the world, but religion is no laughing matter. Obviously God is Swedish or German.
Politics – Finns take politics very seriously, and with a dozen active political parties, chances are the person you’re talking to won’t agree with your political views. Plus high taxes aren’t funny.
Physical comedy – Finnish humor comes from within.
Swedish Finns – Especially if they’re around.
War and Independence – One of the few things Finns hold sacred.

…which topics am I missing?

Finland’s infamous immigrant-hater, Helsinki city councilman Jussi Halla-Aho, a member of Finland’s racist, nationalist political party, the True Finns, is court for, you guessed it…racism…

The Helsinki District Court read charges against Helsinki City councilman, Jussi Halla-Aho, on breach of the peace and agitating against an ethnic group.

According to the prosecutor, Simo Kolehmainen, Halla-aho has publicly defamed matters Islam deem holy. Halla-Aho has written in his internet writings that islam is a pedophile religion. In addition he has written that robbing passers-by and living off wellfare are national and or genetic features of the Somali Muslim people.

According to the Prosecutor, Halla-aho’s writings insult the Muslims living in Finland and endanger the country’s religious peace.

Representing himself, Halla-Aho admitted writing the articles in question. However, Halla-Aho denied the defamation charges. Halla-Aho claims that the prosecutor has taken the writings out of context. He plead not guilty.

A lot of Halla-Aho’s supporters were present and they laughed out loud when the prosecutor read excerps from Halla-Aho’s Islam writings.

Here’s a translation of the text that got Halla-Aho in trouble. Although my guess is that this was just “the straw that broke the camel’s back”, as he’s been writing this kind of stuff for years.

Halla-Aho goes after a lot of things in his post: “Politicians”, who create the laws Hallo-Aho loathes. “Free speech”, which there’s a severe lack of in Finland (very true). The “Muslim religion”, all religions are equally silly IMO. And “Immigrants”, oops, this is where Halla-Aho gets racist and retarded…

Somalis who constitute 0.2 per cent of Finland’s total population commit 12 per cent of robberies reported to the Police. One in ten Somalis living in Finland has a job. Committing robberies and living at taxpayers’ expense are a lot more common among Somalis related to their share of the population than killing while intoxicated among the ethnic Finns. Therefore, I present my assumption (that I do not regard as fact):

Robbing bypassers and living at taxpayers’ expense as a parasite is a national, possibly genetic characteristic of Somalis.

Robbing bypassers and living at taxpayers’ expense as a parasite is a national, possibly genetic characteristic of Somalis.

Ughh. This is where I quickly lose sympathy for the guy. Ignorant people like Halla-Aho should be ignored, yet court cases like these only further incite racial hatred in the country and bring more members to the True Finns party.

Every foreigner has inadvertently tried this experiment during their first day visiting Finland: Stand with a dozen others at a crosswalk. The light is red. Not a car in sight. You wonder, “why the fuck are we all standing here!?” You cross on red. Immediately the entire crowd follows your lead.

Supposedly it’s dangerous. But even more dangerous, is a lack of common sense…

One in eight Finnish pedestrians ignore the signs on light-operated crossings, according to a report published on Friday by Liikenneturva, the country’s central organisation for traffic safety work. Regional differences are large, to say the least. In the capital Helsinki, as many as 42% of pedestrians will cross the road even when no green light is showing.

In Mikkeli, meanwhile, they are conspicuously more careful: there 99% allegedly only cross on green. Similar figures of over 90% were recorded in Kouvola, Vaasa, Joensuu, and Rovaniemi.

Copenhagen city officials have launched a program to combat red light ignorance: Double red lights. It’s proved to be twice as effective as single red lights…

God damn we’re pathetic in Finland sometimes. First we have an American astronaut who received a phone call in space from Finnish President Tarja Halonen, simply because one set of grandparents were Finnish..!?

President Tarja Halonen spoke on the phone on Monday with astronaut Timothy L. Kopra, at his post on the International Space Station. The 46-year-old Texan’s grandparents moved from Finland almost a century ago.

(Presidents of Germany & Poland: I’m still awaiting my phone call)

Then we have the authorities shutting down airspace and waterspace while ignoring noise disturbance violations to surrounding neighborhoods – and the news media goes apeshit over the past few days because of a pop concert!!

Who does this girl think she is, some sort of prima-donna? (-OR- Who does this girl think she is, Jesus’s mother!?)

“We are out here out of principle. It annoys me that the sea area is closed off just like that. In my opinion noone can say that the waters are now a no-go area or exclusion zone just because some gig promoter so requests”, Lehtinen says sharply.

Sometimes I feel like I’m living in an African village and a Coke bottle just dropped from the sky. Thank God I didn’t meet an Icelandic girl instead.

Snagged from mayamai26 on Flickr

Socialized medicine is back on every American’s mind thanks to President Obama, and Americans are once again skeptical. And I’m not surprised.

Finland prides itself on one of the best socialized health care systems in the world – Surely a role model for the United States! Well, Finland’s “free” health care is no longer covering Swine Flu…

A government decision to remove swine flu from the list of generally hazardous communicable diseases officially comes into effect on Monday. Cases will now be handled in the same manner as seasonal flus.

Experts say that the H1N1 has become so widespread that special measures involving individual treatment will no longer prevent its further spread.

Most treatment of the virus will now be transferred from specialist hospital wards to health centres. They will concentrate on treating patients belonging to risk groups such as pregnant mothers, the long-term ill and small infants.

The decision also means that patients will now be charged for physicians’ services, medication and possible hospital treatment.

So if you get Swine Flu, and you’re broke, you’ll spread it everyone you know, but fortunately you’ll die before that happens. LOL!!

I got nailed by a speed camera while heading up north on Highway 5 back in April. The camera flash was unexpected and blinding, not the kind of thing you want to do speeders – I wouldn’t be surprised if it’s caused head-on collisions in the past.

I was expecting a fine in the mail but it never came, looks like I was within the 3km/h grace range they give you due to the inexactness of speed cameras.

I wasn’t even trying to speed, it’s just damn near impossible to keep up with the rapid-changing speed limits on Highway 5. Every kilometer it goes from 100 to 60 then to 100 then to 80 then to 50…

Which wouldn’t be a problem if the speed limit signs weren’t the size ping-pong paddle. For fuck’s sake, the TIEKIRKKO signs are three times larger. I wonder how many would-be-safe-drivers have simply missed the tiny signs and caused accidents?

My suggestion is: When the speed limit changes, make the sign bigger. Or make it blink. There’s lots of us law-abiding drivers out there who want drive safely…if they can see the damn signs. (Oh wait, that would mean less speeding fines, less tax revenue for the state, and less embarrassing articles of wealthy drivers getting 100k+ speeding tickets…never mind then)

This post brought to you by Nokia Maps 3.0: Now featuring the locations of speed cameras!