Finns have the ultimate love-hate relationship with the US: Finns love Hollywood films & TV but hate its dominance over local productions. Finns love American brands but hate American consumerism. Finns love American foods but hate the slothful culture. Finns love the English language but hate its erosion of the Finnish language. Finns love the diverse American offering but aren’t fans of diversity themselves. Whenever you hear that something in Finland is becoming more American…it’s never a positive statement.

Finns often mistake real life America with what they see on their favorite American TV shows and movies. Couple that with the Finnish press’s sensationalism of American culture, it makes for some interesting stereotypes. And American tourists do little to expel these stereotypes. When abroad…

- Americans are loud (“HELLO, WE’RE FROM AMERICA!!”)
- Americans are ignorant (“America is the best, so this must be shit”)
- Americans are arrogant (“Speak English, asshole!”)
- Americans are demanding (“I need to speak to your supervisor!!”)
- Americans ask stupid questions (“Do you celebrate Thanksgiving in your country?”)
- Americans aren’t geography buffs (“Is Finland the capital of Sweden or Norway?”)
- Americans dress poorly (“How does a Hawaiian shirt, University of Michigan cap, shorts, and white tennis shoes go with my fanny pack?”)

Ever wondered what’s it like to be the first white person in an African village? Speak with an American accent in a Finnish town on a Friday night. The locals will flock to you like drunken zombies. But instead of touching your hair…they’ll ask your thoughts on Barack Obama. Or they’ll tell you of their uncle who spent a year in Canada during the 80’s. They’ll remind you that American “football”, makes no sense as a word. And Budweiser is NOT good beer.

In the workplace Americans are not to be trusted. They make promises they can’t keep. They brag about things they don’t have. They act as barnstormers wanting to change everything. They know everything. They don’t understand the word, “humility”. Their pushy tactics have the reverse affect on a Finn.

And when you befriend an American, you’ll surely be confused with questions such as “How are you?” (which translates to “Hi!”) and “I really like that!” (which translates to “I’m just being nice”) and “That’s interesting!” (translation: “I don’t understand that.”) and “Let’s get together sometime!” (translation: “Fuck off and die.”).

While Americans and Finns have their differences, the similarities are vast: Both love sports, both love Finlandia vodka, both love guns, both have problems with crazies shooting up public places, both hate the Russians, both love The Simpsons, and both think Conan O’Brien looks just like Finnish President Tarja Halonen.

(for more on this, check out “Finland is like a Mac, the U.S. is like Windows“)

Finland despises Russia. You’ll be hard pressed to find a Finn who’ll say one nice thing about their eastern bully. Finland was under Russian rule for over 100 years. Finland finally gained independence, then fought off the Soviets two more times losing a substantial part of the country. Finland even teamed up with Hitler to fend off Soviet domination.

Like the crazies in the United States who stockpile their basements full of canned foods and semi-automatic weapons in preparation of the looming race wars, some Finns in 2010 still believe Russia invasion is imminent.

This rocky history has unfortunately perverted the Finns view on the Russian people. Russian women are all whores. Russian men are all lazy alcoholics. Russians are not to be trusted. Dirty Russians ruinlocal spas. Russian women flaunt their wealth and arrogance at Stockmann’s department store. Russians are buying up too much property in Finland.

…all your typical xenophobic stereotypes. And not good for Russians living in Finland, a group who make up Finland’s largest minority.

As I’m writing this, it’s tough to find any comedy in Finland’s relationship with the Russians. War tends to do that, sadly. Two nations of people who normally would live side-by-side in peace and harmony in the frigid north, are pitted against each other thanks to a handful of lunatics. The healing process will take decades if not centuries.

And let’s be honest, the Finns and Russians aren’t THAT much different: Both survive in extreme weather conditions, both have a poor background, both love to get blinded on a Friday night, both think Lada make a crap car, both share much of the same bodily features, both have some fine looking women.

What am I missing? Where’s the humor here? Any Russians out there who want to share what they think of Finland?

Finns are extremely jealous and often bitter towards their westerly neighbors, but with good reason: Swedes have more money. Swedes have more class. Swedes dress better. Swedes are better at ice hockey. Swedish women are better looking. Swedish men have self confidence. Sweden has royalty. Sweden has ABBA. Sweden is better known throughout the world. Sweden has Volvo and Saab. Sweden is part of Scandinavia.

Ask a Swede, “What’s the difference between you Swedes and the Finns?” They’ll reply something like, “Well…Sweden has a long history of class, wealth and royalty, that had transcended on the Swedish people many centuries ago, to conceive a strong society and rich culture, which therefore has created a more advanced and superior country.” Ask a Finn that very same question, they’ll ponder for a few seconds then simply reply, “Swedes are gay.”

Remember the opening scene in Casino Royale where James Bond uses a dead body as a human shield to fend of bullets? The limp corpse continues to get mangled by gunfire while Bond maneuvers his way through the embassy. Well for about 150 years in recent history, James Bond was Sweden, that gunfire was Russia, and that human shield was Finland! Sweden sat carefree at the summer cottage while that buffer zone known as Finland protected them from imperialistic Russia.

So you can understand why some of the wartime Finns might still hold a grudge or ten. Search through any old-timer’s bookshelf and you’re sure to find, “Swedish War Heroes”. Open it to find a book full of blank pages. (FUNNY!)

Like a jealous neighbor, Finland is constantly playing “keeping up with the Swedes”. Sweden goes out and buys a brand new BMW, so naturally, Finland goes out and, slashes its’ tires.

But would you really give up a classless society for royalty? Would you really give up Volvo for Nokia? Wealth for a sense of humor? ABBA for Lordi? Dressing well for being called “gay”? Self confidence for being a douchebag? Well maybe you’d take ABBA over Lordi, but you get the point.

Even after an unsettling past, today’s Finland and Sweden are more like rival football clubs than anything else. It’s competition which keeps then jockeying for the #1 spot in various world indexes. And at the end of the day, they’ll kick back at the sauna, crack open an imported beer (which they both agree tastes better than their local brews), and talk shit about their REAL rival: Russia.

Tomorrow: Russia according to the Finns

With over seven political parties in parliament (eight to be exact) and many obscure small parties, choosing a political party can be overwhelming – especially since the differences between each are so minute. Here’s a quick run-down of each party to help you decide…

National Coalition Party (Kokoomus) – The Conservatives promise to lower your taxes! With some of the highest taxes in the world, you’ll quickly come to realize that these people are assholes.

Centre Party (Keskusta) – Do you live on a farm? Do you enjoy small town life? Do you distrust the EU? Then the Centre Party is for you, hillbilly! Life was certainly better when we all milked cows for a living, wasn’t it?

Social Democrats (SDP) -Lenin, Guevara, and Marx were all great thinkers, weren’t they? If you answered “yes” to that question, than the Social Democrats are for you, comrade. Now shorten those work weeks and wonder why you don’t get paid enough. Strike!!

Swedish People’s Party (RKP) – Is Swedish your mother tongue? ‘Nuff said, this party is yours. Amazing how everyone who speaks the same language is expected to share the same political beliefs.

True Finns (Perussuomalaiset) – Foreigners sure are ruining the greatest nation in the world, aren’t they?? If so, then this is your party, but if you read this blog and you can speak English and you’re not a complete idiot…they’re probably ot for you.

Christian Democrats (KD) – Do you have a special relationship with Jesus? And do you live out in the middle of nowhere because the devil resides in large cities as well as your television set? Hallelujah you’ve found your party!

Green Party (Vihreat) – Are you young, idealistic and fanatical about mother Earth? Then come share a joint with these hippies.

Left Alliance (Vasemistoliitto) – But what about all the good things the Soviet Union did! Right?? Left!!

Liberal Party (Liberaalit) – Are you a confused, twisted, and borderline psychopathic male between the ages of 16 and retarded? You’ve found your home.

The newly appointed United States ambassador to Finland, Bruce J. Oreck (yes, from the Oreck vacuum brand), has a blog which he updates quite often (way more than me lately)!

He even has a Facebook Fan page, Flickr stream, Twitter page, and YouTube page. Cool! With all those pages to update, I assume he spends most of his workday screwing around online – I mean, what else would an ambassador do!?

And how did Bruce become ambassador? By buying it of course..! I wonder how much a few years in the Finland embassy costs? My guess is that he donated more money to Obama than let’s say, the ambassador in [insert African or Middle Eastern country here]…

Bruce J. Oreck, for ambassador to Finland. Oreck, a lawyer who previously served as general counsel and vice president of his family’s famous vacuum company, bundled more than $500,000 to Obama’s presidential campaign. He and his wife, Charlotte, also bundled another $75,000 Obama’s inauguration. [...] Along with his wife and children, he has contributed $261,550 to federal Democratic candidates, parties and committees since 1989. That includes $9,200 to Obama and $1,000 to Hillary Clinton last cycle.

Sheldon learning Finnish in the Big Bang Theory Season 3 Episode 12…

I think this sign at the local KKK-Supermarket in Äkäslompolo was directed to us stupid foreign tourists…

Another random shooting in little Finland?! And another mass killing at a Helsinki area shopping mall?! Finland is known around the world for snow, Nokia, and now shooting sprees.

Do you still feel safe in Finland?? Of course you do, everyone is white, it must be safe. Ignorance is bliss.

But nevermind today’s attack, the shooter has a foreign name, so it’s not really a Finnish thing, it’s us foreigners.

UPDATE: It appears the shooter is the sixth dead, he appeared to have offed himself. Glad he did justice to his crimes, cause the Finnish courts would never have gave him justice, he’d be pardoned by the President aftter a few years, as is the custom.

UPDATE 2: Here’s an old interview with him…

A sad day. I feel terrible for all those involved. From Helsingin Sanomat…

Six people have been reported dead on Thursday morning in a shooting incident that took place at the Sello shopping mall in the Leppävaara district of Espoo.
Apparently a man in his early forties, whose identity is known to police, began shooting in the Prisma supermarket with a 9mm handgun at around 10 a.m. Police named the suspect as Ibrahim Shkupolli.

First reports indicated that three men and one woman were killed. A fifth victim was later found at a private apartment in Leppävaara, and is believed to be the gunman’s 42-year-old ex-girlfriend.
She was employed at the Prisma supermarket in Sello, and is thought to have been the primary target.
A restraining order had earlier been imposed on Shkupolli with regard to this woman.

The search continued for the gunman, and his body was eventually found a couple of hours later at an apartment in the Suvela district of Espoo. Indications are that he shot himself.
All of the victims at Sello were apparently members of the sales staff. One man was shot twice in the head. A woman was shot in the stomach and two other men were shot on a different floor of the mall complex, one of the largest in the Greater Helsinki area.
The male victims in the mall were born in 1969, 1975, and 1982. The woman was born in 1964.
No further details were given of other casualties.

The mall was emptied and police continued the search for the gunman in the shopping centre and the surrounding area, before extending the net to known addresses, where the man’s body was eventually discovered.
Prisma store staff and witnesses were taken to the public library on the premises.
The police held a press conference on the matter at 14:30, after a photograph of the suspect had been released to the media before the man was found dead.
Police had warned Shkupolli was armed and dangerous. He had previous convictions for firearms offences in 2004 and 2007.
Numerous police vehicles and ambulances attended the scene, and for some hours commuter trains were not stopping at Leppävaara station.

Police were not particularly forthcoming with details of the killings, or of whether others were hit by gunfire, but the impression given was that the primary target was the 42-year-old woman, and it is known that those killed in the shopping mall were her colleagues.
Whilst no specific reason has been given for why they were singled out by the gunman, the indications are that this horrible tragedy was not a “shooting-spree” killing of the kind that has made Finland internationally known in the past two years, following school massacres in Jokela and Kauhajoki by disaffected teenage pupils.
Nonetheless, it will inevitably reopen old wounds and will prompt further discussion on the large number of handguns owned in this country and on the tightening of restrictions on access to firearms.

Visit an Eskimo Village

How did Finns live over 200 years ago? Why not see for yourself! Finland’s indigenous eskimos (known as “Sami” in Finnish) are scattered throughout villages in the northern part of the country. Some villages still don’t have accessible roads leading to them, an eskimo guide can be hired to take you there for a reasonable fee.

Swim with the Penguins, Play with the Polar Bears

Finland is home to the world’s largest polar bear habitat, and second largest penguin habitat. While penguins are only found on Finland’s Arctic Coast. polar bears can be found all over Finland, even in Southern Finland during the winter during migration season. Don’t forget your binoculars!

World’s Largest Snowball

Finland is responsible to several records in the Guiness Book of World Records. Arguably its proudest record is the annual World’s Largest Snowball in Jakobstad. Each September the entire village’s male population spend five days creating this monstrosity and each year they attempt to break the previous year’s record. Be sure to visit by June before it melts!

24 Hours of Complete Darkness

For six months (from October to March), Finland is in a state complete darkness. While most humans would see this as a time of depression and despair, the Finns see it as a celebration! Snow, family time, sleeping in, reading, naps, television, going to bed early and alcohol…like the Finnish polar bears, Finns hibernate to prepare for summer!

Zamboni Races

Finns are known throughout the world for their zany annual competitions: Air Guitar, Wife-Carrying, Mobile Phone Throwing, Alcoholism, and of course…Zamboni Races. The zamboni, a Finnish invention, created by Yrjö “Jöäkjöäk” Zamboni in 1904, was originally designed as a means of public transportation for the elderly of the northern Finnish village, Tampere.

Ski the Tallest Mountain in Europe!

Finland is partially home to Europe’s tallest mountain in Europe, Mt. Tarjasbäk (it’s Finnish name). The mountain sits on the borders of three nations: Sweden, Russia, and of course Finland. While the peak lies on the Russian side, the best skiing is found on the Finnish side. Take the gondola up, or travel like a Finn and have a herd of reindeer tow you to the peak!

Pieksämäki, Winter Wonderland

The Lappish village of Pieksämäki in Central Finland has become known as “Europe’s Winter Wonderland”. Tourists from the ends of the earth make the bi-yearly pilgrimage for it’s brilliant lights, classy night clubs, and leather glove sales. It’s the happiest place on earth! Word of advice though: Be careful during “wolf season”.

Reindeer Hunting

Reindeer are abundant in Finland, in fact, too abundant. They’re known to rummage through your trash cans, defecate outside grocery stores, attempt to race cars down the highway, and trample infant babies to death. Each autumn the military, along with any volunteer over the age of five who can pull a trigger, are loaded onto helicopters and sent out to hunt reindeer. Join them for an enthralling bloodbath!

Experience -70C

At -69C, male urine will freeze before it hits the ground from one meter off the ground. Fortunately over the centuries, native Finns have developed thicker blood, so it only feels like -44C at most. This is why Finland doesn’t allow immigrants into the country, no because they’re racist, dark skinned people will simply freeze to death.

Curling!

There’s an old Finnish saying: “Finns learn to curl before they learn ride a reindeer” and they couldn’t be further from the truth. As soon as a Finnish child learns walk, they have a curling wand (or curling broom for girls) in hand. Finnish women are known to keep the tidiest huts in the world thanks to their intense sweeping skills as a child.

Ugh, this is annoying – The Amazon Kindle wireless capabilities are available in 81 countries, Finland not one of them.

Have a look at the service map below, I am jealous of those in Tanzania, Kazakhstan, Haiti, and inhabitable regions of Russia. Remember the days when Finland used to be a world leader in internet and technology? What happened!?

Comedian Louis Zezeran and I try to give out flyers for our comedy show around Helsinki. It ain’t easy – Massive respect to the gypsy beggars in Finland… (sorry to the video quality at the beginning kinda sucks)

You know those annoying foreigners who try to sell shit to strangers at the Kamppi Center in Helsinki? Well comedian Louis Zezeran and I decided to go annoy them… (turns out they’re actually very nice people)

Here’s a sign at an entrance to the Finnish restaurant, “Rosso” (think TGIF Fridays). The *exact* same thing is written in both Finnish and English. Which language would you rather speak??

Spending the holidays away from your family can be tough. So IESAF (International English Speakers Association of Finland) invites you to their Christmas Quiz & Party on Friday November 27th at 6pm

In Molly Malone’s, Kaisaniemenkatu 1 (nr. Kaisaniemi metro) Helsinki

Great prizes to be won, video cameras, Molly’s Money, Behnford’s Vouchers & lots more in Santa’s Xmas Quiz & the IESAF raffle.

Evening also includes British stand-up comedian Paul Westlake – and live band. Bring Your Sister, and a DJ so you can dance away the night.

Free gloggi & party food. Come dressed to impress… or not! Check out the Facebook Event page for more info!

You know how I spam this blog with all my comedy crap? Well I promise this is my last spam ever!* (yay!!)

I was bored this weekend so I created www.philschwarzmann.com, the home of my stand-up comedy hobby and the home of English comedy in Finland. Never miss another English comedy show: Just subscribe the RSS, join the mailing list, or join the Facebook Group…and be notified anytime there’s another English show in Finland! (neat!)

Also – Manala is throwing another English Open Mic on November 5th at 8pm. The last open mic was incredible, over 150+ people, which has to be a world record for open mics. You’ll see: Professional comics trying out material in English, up-and-coming comics, first timers, and maybe even a crazy person or two! Donation just 2€ at the door.

Contact openmic@botta.fi to signup for stage time. RSVP and details at the Facebook Page.

* Please note: I often lie.