Finally! A country Finland can look down upon. While Norway looks down on Sweden, Sweden looks down on Finland, and Finland finally looks down on Estonia. (and Estonia looks down on, Latvia?) Humble Finland bashfully gazes at its own shoes when addressing countries of the world – but with their southerly neighbors, Finland stares at Estonia’s shoes.
If Finland’s borders supposedly look like a maiden, then Estonia clearly is a turd falling from her gown. When Finns think of Estonia they think: cheap alcohol, prostitution, illegal immigration, shifty workers, poverty, booze cruises, liberal business policies, drugs…oh wait, that’s a list of “My Favorite Things”. Ooops.
With only 80km’s between both capitals, the aquatic train tracks separate wealthier Finland from its younger, poorer brother. But Finland has more in common with Estonia than any other country: They both share a dark history with Russia. They both share the same common fucked up language family – Finnish is closer to Estonian than any other language.
Dating a Estonian girl is a step down in Finland’s class system. It’s not as bad as let’s say, dating an Asian girl, or God forbid, a Russian girl. It falls somewhere between English girls and Polish girls. (haha, ENGLAND!) And what’s it like for an Estonian guy to date a Finnish girl? I couldn’t tell you, it’s never happened.
I call Estonia’s capital, Tallinn, “the Disney World of Finland!” as it’s the Finns’ favorite tourist spot. Finns take a booze cruise to Tallinn to buy cheap liquor, get wasted, visit brothels, and cause amok amongst Tallinn’s beautiful Old Town. Finnish beer is exported to Estonia, just to be imported by the Finns at a cheaper price. And while in their drunken stupor, Finns get robbed, cheated, and beaten up – They retreat home calling Estonia, “dangerous and unsafe!”. Just like Disney World.
While Finns remains stagnant and reminisce of the good ol’ days, Estonia drudges forward. Finland’s days of whipping their little brother may be numbered. But until then, I’m off to Tallinn to get drunk with the boys at the Depeche Mode Bar! See yah later, sobriety!