How to “fit in” in Finland
Be white.
There’s got to be more to it than that!?
Not really.
Really?
Really. Even people with a sun tan are looked at suspiciously. Finns experience this when returning from a winter holiday to Thailand, and upon their arrival back in Finland, they spend a little extra time at border control than normal. Foreigners have been known to master the Finnish language VERY fast, so customs officers can never be too sure.
Well how do I dress like a Finn?
Depends on the persona you’re going for. There are essentially six kinds of Finns.
The Engineer
Finnish engineers have no idea what clothes to buy, because their wives do all their shopping for them. They wear whichever short-sleeved plaid shirt Ms. Suomalainen bought him from Dressmann. The color of the shirt need not matter, as long as it’s made of a material that does not need ironing. (btw, all shirts need ironing) Brown loafers are required, belts are not. Khaki pants must ride high on the waist. In the summer time it’s brown sandals (with socks) and capri-pants riding high. The most popular haircut is “balding, with a inner-tube of sand-colored hair around the head”. Face should be clean shaven, however most engineers cannot grow facial hair, and if they can, it comes in patchy. Glasses must be at least 10-years old. Jewelry should be wedding ring and meaningless gold chain around the neck.
The Businessman
See “Engineer”, just add wrinkled sport coat (drycleaning is insanely expensive in Finland), black belt (yes, even with brown loafers) and trendy-but-not-so-trendy glasses.
The Middle Aged Mommy
Start with short hair. You’ve been hassling with long hair all your life – you’re just sitting home everyday on maternity leave for the next few years, why bother looking attractive? And if you’re in the male-dominated business world, the short hair will make you blend in easier with your male colleagues. Make sure you buy thick “trendy” eyeglasses that hide what, if any, good looks you have left. Bonus points if the color of your glasses match the color of your dyed hair. Don’t wear heels, that’s a dead giveaway you’re a foreigner. And don’t have eyebrows, again, you must be a foreigner.
The Country Bumpkin
Comfort is key here. The classiest place you’ll visit during the week is Alko, so “dress to depress” as they say. Men, a 20-year old track suit is appropriate (cause who knows when you’ll have the urge to go cross-country skiing). Women, an aging Marimekko shirt, jeans, old white sneakers. If you want to dye your hair, dye it some shade of red, orange, or purple. Men, if there’s a situation where you need to dress up, like for instance, taking a trip to the next town over, wear a tie – just so long as it’s the same one you wore in high school. Jewelry should be the Finnish Lion dangling from a cheap gold-colored chain.
The Teenager
Teenage fashion changes so often, by the time I publish this, it will have changed. Want to know what the current teenage fashion is? Visit Sweden, have a look around, then wait five years…that’s what Finland will look like. All Finnish fashion is taken from Sweden…five years later. At the moment – Guys, wear an American baseball cap with a team you’ve never heard of. Girls, pile on lots and lots of makeup.
The Child
This one is simple: For boys, blue jumpsuit. For girls, red jumpsuit. Finnish children are like penguins, it’s impossible to tell them apart, they all wear the exact same jumpsuits year round. It’s a regular occurrence for Finnish parents to take home the wrong child from daycare – but no worries, this mistake quickly corrects itself months later when the real parent, again, accidently takes home the “wrong” kid from daycare. “Even jumpsuits in the summer time?” you ask. Yes. It doesn’t matter if it’s +20C or -20C, all Finnish children must wear hats and gloves.
How do I walk down the street like a Finn?
Walk briskly with a lack of confidence. Don’t look ANYONE directly in the eye, ever. If someone looks directly at you, be careful, they’re drunk. If a stranger approaches you, pretend to be talking on your mobile phone. Stop and wait at all red crosswalk signs, even if all the common sense in the world says it’s okay to cross. Don’t do anything to stand out from the crowd, like dress a unique way or be any other race than white.
…what else am I missing?
